There was a time when I was obsessed with becoming an influencer. Showing off my life on social media like I am a public figure. I wanted to be a celebrity. I wanted to be someone everyone knew. Everyone at least in the Jain community. I even worked for it for almost ten years. So many videos. So many posts. Projects. Too many contacts and what not.
I always lied to myself. Forget about lying to the people. On social media, everyone is a part-liar. Everyone is showing how happy they are while hiding the most part of their lives. So, I lied to myself all these years. I believed that I was someone. I matter. I am driving something which will have a huge impact in people’s lives. I was a so-called influencer(which I was not actually).
I was no one. I am no one – for the world. It took me ten years to realise that I am working in a direction which is taking me away from the things that actually matter most in my life. I gave it thought for almost a month or maybe longer than that. Myself, my family, my writing, my swadhyaya, my books – these are the most important parts of my life which give me real peace and happiness and not a few minutes of adrenaline rush which comes from posting a reel.
I turned thirty a few days ago. I knew I had to give myself something that I will be proud of my whole life. It can’t be materialistic. Materialistic things are volatile and temporary. I can’t rely on them. It had to be something crazy. Something that the whole world is against. Something that only Divya can do.
And there it was. A moment of truth. An acceptance which comes only when you are true to yourself. I quit influencing. I decided not to share my personal moments on social media anymore.
Hence, I deleted all the photos and videos that were personal from my instagram account. I cleared my facebook. I deleted instagram from my phone. My old self would have announced this on social media. But the new me did not. Because it did not matter to me anymore.
Honestly, no one noticed. No one cared. That’s how social media is.
Now I am just paying attention to myself. Back to slow mornings where I don’t peek into others’ lives. I am no longer consuming content I don’t want. I am reading books, articles or just watching something that I want to watch and not what the algorithm wants to show. I am writing stories, feelings or just journaling. I get bored. I spend time with my kids. I spend time looking into infinity. I go for walks. I just lie down and not think of what content I have to create or what posts I should share to engage the audience. My life doesn’t need an audience anymore. I am me in my old clothes, messy hairs or unfinished drafts. No aesthetics, no clicking photos of food or anything, nothing.
I also thought my life would become boring if I started to live slowly. But No!! I always wanted to go somewhere where no one knows me. And I am there. I can do what I always wanted when I was in my 20s or as a kid.
I remember how creative I was. I had this small shelf where I used to keep diaries or books I could find. Diaries were filled with random bhajan lyrics, poems or quotes I read somewhere. I used to draw. I may not have been a good artist but I remember how it made me happy as a kid. So now, I have diaries where I write letters or stories. I draw with my kids.
When I stopped using instagram, I realised I have a lot of time on my hands. I am now a little bit jealous of people who realised this earlier and do not use social media or use it for work only. They saved a lot of time in their lives.
The world may mock me for being a fool. But I wanna be one happy fool who lived her life on her own terms. I have always walked in the opposite direction to the world. I guess it’s in my nature. I am always questioning the world. I can’t do what everyone is doing. I am unique. I pave my own path. I challenge the flow. In Robert Frost’s words, I always take the road less travelled.
So, here I have taken the road where I will be writing and posting on my blog. I know I won’t reach many people this way but at least I will reach the hearts of people reading me. Only a true reader can possess focus to read something this long in today’s times.
Thank you for being a reader to my no-sense stories!
